Top 10 Signs You're Not God - April 2, 1993 10. You've got combination skin. 9. Tuna melt isn't your favorite sandwich (see Matthew 3:24). 8. You work in totally non-mysterious ways. 7. While hurling lightning bolts down from the sky at some guy, you miss and fo ul up his automatic sprinkler system. 6. Everything you bless starts smelling like cabbage. 5. God doesn't have a hair weave. 4. No matter how hard you try, you can't get the lid off the Skippy. 3. Every time you try to prove you're invisible, you end up getting arrested. 2. You can't even create a bird feeder in seven days. 1. You wouldn't be living in Waco. Top 10 Things Overheard at the Summit - April 7, 1993 10. Look, forget the money, we want that miracle spray-on hair stuff. 9. Imagine what you'd look like if you didn't jog every day. 8. For a strong President, you really have soft skin. 7. Get some vodka into that Al Gore of yours. 6. What? We have no time outs left? 5. Margaret Thatcher? I had her. 4. Hey Bubba! Leave some gravy for the Ruskky! 3. The Red Army has been gay for years and it's a blast. 2. When do I get to meet this Joey Buttafuoco? 1. Last call already? Top 10 Things Aeroflot Can Do To Improve Its Image - April 7, 1993 10. Shoo the bats out of the lavatories. 9. Promise delivery within two days. 8. Stop asking smaller passengers to sit in the laps of larger passengers. 7. No longer have Moscow-to-Leningrad flight connect through Dallas-Fort Worth. 6. Modify plane to resemble giant airborne potato. 5. Stewardesses with necks. 4. Water down the captain's vodka. 3. Remove Chernobyl-cured ham from inflight menu. 2. Paint over Gorbachev-inspired red mark on top of fuselages. 1. More aero, less flot. Top 10 Signs the Easter Bunny Is Losing His Mind - April 8, 1993 10. Neighbors describing him as a quiet loner. 9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, You 're going to die up there, fat man! 8. Can't stop washing his paws. 7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac. 6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone. 5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a suicide egg. 4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space. 3. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas. 2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack. 1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck. Top 10 Signs You're an Extremely Boring Person - April 9, 1993 10. Most common question you ask: Hey, where's everybody going? 9. Mr. Rogers grabs you by the throat and screams, Pick up the pace, you simp! 8. Sominex tablets now available shaped like you. 7. Your wildest fantasy: to some day visit Winnipeg. 6. Your bedroom walls are covered with photos of Treasury Secretary Lloyd Bents en. 5. During confession, you hear the priest click on his Game Boy. 4. The person seated next to you at the dinner party is sawing at their wrists with a steak knife. 3. They let you sedate patients for surgery by describing your system for organ izing laundry. 2. During sex your wife calls out the name Irving R. Levine. 1. You think Al Gore is a maniac. Top 10 Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur - April 13, 1993 10. Spent the 70s traveling around the country following the Grateful Dead. 9. Stormy marriage to Tanya Tucker lasted only six days. 8. Purple color the result of alcohol-induced hypertension. 7. Bitterly refers to E.T. as the luckiest damn space monkey in Hollywood. 6. Bangs the production assistants as fast as they can hire them. 5. Is other half-brother of Roger Clinton. 4. He and Mickey Rourke were forcibly ejected from the Golden Nugget casino in Las Vegas after assaulting a black jack dealer. 3. Before plastic surgery, was one of the Jackson Five. 2. Offered Fred Flintstone a million dollars for one night with Dino. 1. Two words: silicone tail. Top 10 Signs Larry King Is Losing His Mind - April 14, 1993 10. Has started referring to his suspenders as Felix and Oscar. 9. Performed root canal on himself with a seafood fork. 8. Weirdly tries to pronounce CNN as if it were one word. 7. Recently spotted wandering pantless in a Florida mall screaming, Go ahead - you're on the air! 6. Buttafuoco. 5. Won't stop talking about his great new idea: a reverse sandwich with filling on the outside and bread in the middle. 4. Is now demanding guests address him as Mr. Larry. 3. His stomach is filled with charcoal briquettes. 2. Shouts Bingo! and awful lot for someone who isn't actually playing bingo. 1. Won't come out of the pup tent. Top 10 Surprises in the Sex Survey - April 15, 1993 10. 98% prefer condoms to Isotoner gloves. 9. For teen boys, most frequent fantasy during sex is having a partner. 8. Three guys at MIT have had cyber-sex with a bank machine. 7. Pam no-stick spray no longer just for cooking. 6. Some men have sex as often as twice a week. 5. That Urkel guy's banged half of Hollywood. 4. Fat guys have a lot of trouble getting laid. 3. 0.00001% of teenage girls have shot their boyfriend's wife. 2. Wilford Brimley frequently has sex in exchange for cookies. 1. Most women ever? The Fonz. Top 10 Surprises on the Clinton's Tax Return - April 16, 1993 10. Took advantage of something called the butter fat deduction. 9. Bill's real name? Debbie. 8. Had to report gift hog from cast of Hee Haw. 7. Chelsea donated $50 to Bush/Quayle '92. 6. Claimed McDonald's as a second home. 5. Bill pays Gore $30 a week to be Vice-President. 4. Crossed out the word dependent, wrote in critters. 3. Hillary made a million bucks sleeping with Robert Redford. 2. Bill took $4,000 depreciation on Gennifer Flowers. 1. Hillary listed as head of household. Top 10 Tips for the New Late Night Host - April 27, 1993 10. A drugged guest is a well behaved guest. 9. Proper gratuity for Marv Albert: nickel a blooper. 8. Kids will look up to you; don't let them think it's cool to smoke. 7. Willard's insane. 6. If you ever have a baby, look out for giant birds. 5. G. E. executives are pinheads ; NBC executives are boneheads. 4. No one cares about Walter Cronkite's lunch. 3. Don't panic if you find a strange woman in your house. 2. When all else fails, just say Buttafuoco. 1. Two words: laugh track. Top 10 Ways Clinton Can Improve His Approval Rating - April 28, 1993 10. Lift ban on gays in the Salvation Army. 9. Become the fattest president ever. 8. Move the Canadian border a few feet per day until by 1996 - voila! No more Canada! 7. Every Friday night, host an old horror movie on TV in full wolfman make-up. 6. Bomb Baghdad. 5. Sponsor Pay-per-View event; Attorney General Janet Reno wrestles a bear. 4. Put Gore in a purple dinosaur costume. 3. Be more like Urkel. 2. Pay off national debt by letting Hillary sleep with Redford 10,000 times. 1. Tank tops. Top 10 Things Overheard During Take Your Daughter To Work Day - April 29, 1993 10. I don't care whose 8-year-old she is, she's not neutering my Doberman. 9. Bryant, meet my daughter Willardo. 8. Mrs. Paul, your daughter just saw the secret fish-stick recipe. Now she mu st die! 7. Hand Mommy her tassles. 6. This is the director's chair, Soon-Yi. 5. Now batting for the Chicago White Sox - Cindy. 4. I know his hair looks scary, but just march right up and say, Hello, Mr. L etterman. 3. Honey, keep your eyes open over here while Daddy whacks a guy. 2. Chelsea, see if YOU can get something past Congress. 1. Keep away from Senator Packwood. Top 10 Highlights of Roger Clinton's First 100 Days - April 30, 1993 10. Wore shoes for the first time. 9. Sometimes gets a free pen after they've signed a law or something. 8. Historic all-night keg summit with President Mitterrand's brother Stewie. 7. Was on TV!!! 6. Finishing slightly ahead of that smart-ass 7-year-old during the White House Easter egg hunt. 5. Was a runner-up on the game show Towel off! 4. Seeing Joe Namath host the Bud Bowl... that was awesome! 3. Keyhole sighting of Hillary using her Epilady. 2. Finally getting the rubber mouse away from socks. 1. Higher approval rating than his brother. Top 10 Signs Your Therapist Hates You - May 4, 1993 10. Everything you tell him ends up in the Weekly World News. 9. Constantly rolling his eyes and making cuckoo sign with finger. 8. At the end of your session, he screams, Time's up! and high-fives the rece ptionist. 7. Every time you eat something tasty you get a nasty electric shock and pretty soon tasty ain't so tasty anymore! 6. Really itchy couch. 5. As you tell him about your week, he and his friends keep yelling, Yahtzee! 4. Introduces you as the Mayor of Loserville. 3. Whenever you tell him one of your dreams, he says, Come on, that's an old ' Twilight Zone.' 2. Constantly asking: So, you're just going to rule out suicide completely? 1. Always sides with Mia. Top 10 Signs You're Too Old To Be Living at Home - May 5, 1993 10. You can never figure out which dentures are yours. 9. Your parents keep leaving classified ads for rental apartments taped to your hamster's cage. 8. You sneak in late from a Neil Diamond concert. 7. You and your parents' Social Security checks come on same day of the month. 6. You've convinced yourself that when Dad dies, Mom will marry you. 5. You're 42 and you have a curfew. 4. You come home after a late night at the office and find that Mom has laid ou t your Star Wars pajamas. 3. At least once a week you get into a shoving match with Dad over the last bee r. 2. Mailman openly mocks you by saying, Give these letters to Mommy, you deadbe at. 1. Mom complains when you bring home hookers. Al Gore's Top 10 Pet Peeves - May 6, 1993 10. Is a heartbeat away from obscurity. 9. Picking up Big Mac wrappers off the White House jogging track. 8. Being Roger Clinton's designated driver. 7. Secret Service men assigned to him never seem to have sunglasses or ear piec es. 6. People who play blackjack when they're under the weather. 5. The round-the-clock drills on spelling potato. 4. Some WWF stars are too big to answer their fan mail. 3. A couple of the angles on his head aren't quite 90 degrees. 2. Press never mentions the fact that he had an affair with Gennifer Flowers to o. 1. Getting buried alive. Top 10 Signs Your Postman Could Be Ready To Snap - May 7, 1993 10. He hides your letters around the yard like Easter eggs. 9. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but 29-cent stamps and fragile stickers. 8. Wife wears T-shirt saying, I'm with disgruntled. 7. You find him on the porch reading a Sharper Image catalog to a squirrel. 6. Won't stop saying Buttafuoco. 5. Every letter he brings you is from him. 4. His hat looks suspiciously like the one you ordered from L. L. Bean. 3. Whenever he sneezes styrofoam peanuts fly out of his nose. 2. Invites you to put your hand in his pants and do a little presorting. 1. Keeps biting the UPS guy. Top 10 Signs the Guy Driving Your Subway Train Isn't a Transit Employee - May 1 1, 1993 10. Stops when he hits somebody. 9. No matter how many times he's disappointed, can't resist tasting the sticky stuff on the floor. 8. The hospital gown. 7. You notice the train is cutting through a lot of backyards. 6. When you stop in Times Square, he gives Show World schedule over P.A. 5. Conductor's cap looks suspiciously like a Fruit Loops box. 4. Conductor is sitting next to you with a wad of cotton in his mouth, and tape around his wrists and ankles. 3. On his badge, transit spelled with a z. 2. Wearing belt buckle that says, Pull here for emergency stops. 1. He's graffiti free. Top 10 Signs the World Is Becoming Overpopulated - May 12, 1993 10. 26-digit phone numbers. 9. Nobody is rooting for Maury Povich and Connie Chung anymore. 8. Roger Clinton's concert - sold out. 7. In parts of Asia, not only carpooling, but pantspooling. 6. There's now a 2-1/2-hour wait to get into Cher's bedroom. 5. It's bad enough dying of thirst out in the middle of the desert, but all the pushing and shoving! 4. Two Gaps on every block. 3. China just made it illegal to move your arms away from your sides. 2. Suddenly there are 10 women breaking into my house. 1. Too many damn Eds ! Top 10 Things Overheard During Clinton's Trip to New York - May 13, 1993 10. Get out of my way, fatso. 9. It'll be $15 for the phony headline, 'President Clinton's popularity soars. ' 8. OK give me your Presidential wallet and just keep walking. 7. Where can I get me one of those 'Whack-a-Perots'? 6. I'm sorry I can't find a 'Flowers' on the guest list. 5. I'm the President damn it! Now give me another spare rib. 4. Those aren't hummingbirds, Mr. President, they're stray bullets. 3. Look at all the hookers. Yipppeeee! 2. Get your hillbilly ass out of the intersection. 1. Hey, tax this. Top 10 Ways This Show Would Be Different If It Were Produced in Mexico - May 14 , 1993 10. In lieu of ill-fitting sportcoat, ill-fitting serape. 9. Technically speaking, the audience would not merely be sleeping - they'd be enjoying an afternoon siesta. 8. Paul Shaffer replaced by giant dancing Te Amo cigar. 7. Stupid human tricks would often end in death. 6. I'd get speeding tickets from Mexican police. 5. More jokes about President Salinas' loser brother Arty Salinas. 4. More changes to say, Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! 3. G. E. Executives now called pinata heads. 2. Larry Bud would be on top of Mexico City capital building with giant sign: Muerde me! 1. Two words: Senor Buttafuoco. Top 10 Other Changes in the CBS Evening News - May 18, 1993 10. _title_ changed to Hangin' with Mr. Rather. 9. Dan now used mostly to stand in wind tunnel and demonstrate force of hurrica nes. 8. If your TV picture turns blue it means she's pregnant. 7. Dan and Connie begin each show by singing duet from Beauty and the Beast. 6. More lame phone calls to Buenos Aires. 5. Dan won't be able to stash his Playboys in the news desk anymore. 4. Three words: matching news unitards. 3. Lots of sexual tension - they might be doing it, but no one's really sure. 2. At end of each newscast Connie and Dan introduce their daughter Chastity. 1. Plenty of cursing. Top 10 Little Known Facts About Cheers - May 19, 1993 10. There's been talk of actually putting the Cheers logo on hats and T-shirt s. 9. Ted Danson's hair is as real as the beer. 8. During show's 10-year history George Wendt ate 375 million peanuts. 7. Original choice for role of Sam Malone? Bea Arthur. 6. Any unused liquor after last taping goes directly to G. E. executives. 5. Show has won four Emmys for Best Portrayal of a Bar Frequented by a Fat Guy and a Mailman. 4. Ted Danson is 67 years old. 3. Real-life bars that are actually named Cheers always suck. 2. To help actors feel like they're at a bar, there's actual vomit in the restr oom. 1. Norm played by two midgets in a big coat. Top 10 Signs Your Husband's a Loser - May 20, 1993 10. Shirt is never tucked or completely untucked. 9. Moves his lips when he watches TV. 8. Keeps leaning over to ask question about the Ernest movie. 7. Always quoting Urkel. 6. Nobody has called him Mr. Vice-President in four months. 5. Your wedding ring looks a lot like a greasy washer. 4. Among tapes in his permanent video library: all the Bud Bowls. 3. Spends hours a day inside a Mickey Mouse suit; doesn't work for Disney. 2. His teenage girlfriend shoots you in the head. 1. Sex is awkward wearing E.T. pajamas. May 21, 1993, missed. Top 10 Shocking Revelations About Mick Jagger - May 25, 1993 10. Bill Wyman is his father. 9. Probably thinks the song You're So Vain is about him. 8. Apparently has gotten lots of satisfaction. 7. Ex-wife Bianca invented that breath spray stuff. 6. Once shared a Jacuzzi with Marge Schott. 5. In a top-secret ceremony in the '60s he married Jim Nabors. 4. He can whistle Honky Tonk Woman through his nose. 3. Using fad diets, has gained and lost 15,000 pounds. 2. One of only 10 million people to have seen Madonna naked. 1. Slept with Redford for free. Top 10 Reasons Clinton's Approval Rating Has Declined - May 26, 1993 10. As part of defense cuts, shouldn't have ordered cancellation of Major Dad. 9. Majority of Americans want us to bomb somebody, ANYBODY. 8. One haircut cost taxpayers as much as 8 years worth of Reagan's Grecian Form ula. 7. When we elected him he was pleasantly plump, now he's frightening the childr en. 6. Recent public admission he once dated Mick Jagger. 5. Country disappointed Roger hasn't lived up to his full Billy Carter potentia l. 4. Many turned off by videotape of Socks catching and disemboweling a sparrow. 3. Only definitive decision he's made since elected was, Yes, I would like fri es with that. 2. Many turned off by videotape of Hillary catching and disemboweling a sparrow .. 1. Those damn running shorts. Top 10 Things More Embarrassing than Having a _base_ball Bounce Off Your Head for a Home Run - May 27, 1993 10. Being snubbed at daytime Emmys for 14th time. 9. First name: Peabo. 8. Missing an NBA playoff game because you're feeling lucky at the tables. 7. That Dukakis-Bentsen bumper sticker that won't come off. 6. Finding out you and your wife each slept with Mick Jagger. 5. Buying a ticket from a scalper at Shea Stadium. 4. Misspelling potato. 3. Waking up nude and hung over in a sleeping bag with Ross Perot. 2. At your wedding, instead of saying, I do, you accidentally say, Boy, does my butt itch. 1. You lost the presidency to some fat hick. Top 10 Indy Driver Pet Peeves - May 28, 1993 10. Radio loses FM signal in fourth turn. 9. You crash going 200 mph and you end up in a Marv Albert blooper reel. 8. Suction cup Garfield blocks view of track. 7. Going fast is scary! 6. Having to take a leak with 100 laps left. 5. Forgetting to remove the Club before the race starts. 4. When the tape p_layer_ eats your Chorus Line cassette before you've even gon e 50 laps. 3. People who pronounce it Grand Prix. 2. When wife says you lack viscosity. 1. Potholes. Top 10 Little Known Facts About Ruth Ginsburg - June 15, 1993 10. First judge to use the word cran-tastic in a legal brief. 9. Won $1.2 million from Michael Jordan on back nine at Augusta. 8. Has invented a combination glove and shovel called The Glovel. 7. Allowed her cat to be filmed for Jurassic Park. 6. As a teenager, dated Joey Buttafuoco, Sr. 5. Four words: belches like a lumberjack. 4. She hates herself for it, but that Diceman cracks her up. 3. Spent three years traveling with a southern carnival as Monkey Girl. 2. Once kicked Janet Reno's ass in a bar fight. 1. Nailed Wapner. Top 10 New Diet Pepsi Slogans - June 16, 1993 10. Take the new Pepsi Challenge. 9. Give your taste buds something to shout about. 8. Coke's for sissies. 7. 200cc's of great taste. 6. Every can inspected by Ray Charles. 5. Keep out of reach of children. 4. Vaccinate your thirst. 3. Michael Jackson's revenge for that time we set his hair on fire. 2. Un-huh, uh-huh, ow! 1. You've got the contaminated one, baby! Top 10 Signs You Have Dino-Fever - June 17, 1993 10. You legally change your name from Bob to Bob-o-saurus. 9. You're eating a lot more ferns lately. 8. You strap tin plates on your dog's back to make him look like a stegosaurus. 7. You break into a dino-sweat, develop dino-tremors, and finally you're dino-d ead. 6. When people ask if you like dinosaurs, you say, You bet Jurassic. 5. You have a stabbing pain in your cheek (a sign you've taken a sip of Diet Pe psi). 4. You stalk Ernest Borgnine because of his prehistoric features. 3. Favorite reference book: Roget's Thesaurus. 2. You've been arrested more than once for exposing yourself in front of the T. Rex skeleton at the Museum of Natural History. 1. Name your kids: Di, No, and Saur. Top 10 Signs Clinton's Temper Is Out of Control - June 18, 1993 10. Last week, pistol-whipped a Domino's delivery guy. 9. Bruises the size of softballs covering Al Gore's torso. 8. Prime Minister of Zimbabwe: It is a pleasure being in your country. Clinton: Why are you wearing that ridiculous hat? 7. Socks spotted with a black eye and a knot in his tail. 6. Overheard screaming, How come they ain't no dang needle in my dang Pepsi? 5. State of the Union address had to be bleeped 14 times. 4. Threatened to break Sam Donaldson's leg in three places for being a dork. 3. Slapped a guy silly on White House tour for whistling the Beverly Hillbillie s theme. 2. Emptied Air Force One bathroom on Ross Perot's lawn. 1. Actually talked back to Hillary. Top 10 Signs You're President Clinton's Long-Lost Half-Brother - June 22, 1993 10. Favorite beverage: Billy Beer. 9. Your nominees for officers of the bowling league always run into trouble. 8. You jog every morning and never ever lose any weight. 7. Your checking account is $3 trillion overdrawn. 6. You're not, but it's a better scam than pretending to find syringes in cans of Diet Pepsi. 5. You still think shoes are for rich folks. 4. Whenever Hillary says something on T.V., you do it without question. 3. You instinctively feel the need to get it on with Barbra Streisand. 2. You have a genetic predisposition to being kind of a load. 1. Haven't done anything since January. Top 10 Signs that Madonna Would Make a Good Mother - June 23, 1993 10. Kids can conduct science projects with peroxide and penicillin. 9. Always lots of uncles around the house. 8. Kid wouldn't have to go through life with an embarrassing last name. 7. For all the same reasons Joan Crawford made a wonderful mother. 6. Bound to be better at parenting than movie-acting. 5. Will start college fund with Pay-per-View of live birth. 4. One snip, and an old cone-shaped bra becomes two wacky party hats! 3. Owns wide variety of interesting teething _object_s. 2. Lots of practice changing diapers on grown men. 1. Did Barney. Top 10 Signs You're Going To Be a One-Term President - June 24, 1993 10. Heads of state greet you by saying, Nice knowing you, Pedro. 9. Larry King bumps you when Joyce DeWitt interview runs long. 8. Secret Service code name: Jimmy Carter II. 7. White House tour guide points at you and says, There goes one term bubba. 6. Even your long-lost brother won't take your calls. 5. There's a Century 21 sign on the east lawn. 4. Rich Little doesn't even bother getting your voice down. 3. You change your name to an unpronounceable symbol, but everyone still just c alls you Prince. 2. Dukakis keeps asking if you want to split the price of a Winnebago. 1. You get Madonna pregnant. Top 10 Things I Have To Do Before I Leave NBC - June 25, 1993 - The Final Show - 10. Drop off hairpiece at security desk. 9. Vacuum out Wendell and write down his mileage. 8. One final turn your head and cough visit to NBC nurse. 7. Steal my weight in office supplies. 6. Let my plastic surgeon step out and take a bow - this has been his show as m uch as mine. 5. One last hot-oil rubdown from the knowing hands of Mr. John Chancellor. 4. Return artificial leg to props department. 3. Get one more cheap laugh by saying the word Buttafuoco. 2. Send change of address forms to that woman who breaks into my house. 1. Untie Willard. This venue is a waste of time. I'm sorry I even bother looking at it. * Carny's Rapture CountDown:
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